Guest post by SlimSlow

Mayer-West Handshake Fail

Surely this is a common occurrence: you (a man) and some other guy you don’t know well want to greet each other in a manly fashion. So you go for the handshake, but which one? If you can’t sync, you’ll end up sort of mashing your hands together which is incredibly awkward. So, if you don’t want to be hand fucking complete strangers I suggest we agree on a standard male handshake.

Now sure, we could go with the plain yogurt palm grasp, but what self-respecting man wants to be at a superbowl party looking like a banker who just put a second mortgage on someone’s house? There are a number of viable options with more appeal. The two front-runners as I see it are: the sideways high-five curled finger pullaway and the overhand thumb-grip with props and a terrorist fist jab*.

I’m sure there are others, that’s not the point. The point is there needs to be some standard. Of course each subculture is going to want their own unique standard but that can be remedied by having some signal given by the initiator such as calling the other guy “dude” or being black, whatever. A policy of this kind will drastically reduce the number of party fouls.  If this catches on, football players might even stop patting each other on the ass.  We can only hope.

*For clarification on the “terrorist fist jab,” refer to the knowledge depository (not to be confused with suppository) that is Fox News

A little elevator etiquette directed at the douche who closed the elevator on me yesterday–

It’s bad enough that you’re not going to hold the elevator for me. You could be in a rush, you could have complete indifference to the my plight. We’ve all been a second too late to miss the elevator, the subway, the bus, whatever it is. I understand a refusal to hold the door in a subway because it causes delays for everyone else, but when you’re the only person standing in the elevator and I’m running up, you’ve lost that “greater good for society” justification. Sure, we all derive a sickening pleasure at the schadenfreude of watching the doors close on the luckless individual. Perhaps that person is carrying boxes or is too fat to get to the elevator in time. All I ask is that you enjoy this self-satisfaction without letting me know. Please don’t smile at me and shrug as you press the close door button.

When I close the door on people, whether through apathy or when I’m just in a rush, I at least make the effort to avoid giving the impression that I’m doing so spitefully. I’ll never look at the person as I’m closing the door. It’s just like jay-walking in front of oncoming traffic. If you make eye-contact with the driver, he’s going to be less inclined to politely let you cut him off.

I’ll hide behind the wall of the elevator, pretending like I didn’t see the mom with stroller in tow or the obnoxious fella on his bluetooth headset. I’ll even signal that I’m pressing the open button and it just isn’t working. “Sorry dude, it just keeps closing.” But if I’m letting the door close intentionally, I wait at least until the victim is out of sight to chuckle to myself. I can feel good at myself without making the other person feel bad.

Not holding the door for me because you don’t see me–that’s fine. Seeing me and still letting it close–I’ll let it slide. But don’t smile contently while closing the elevator on me. That just crosses the line.