Guest post by SlimSlow

Mayer-West Handshake Fail

Surely this is a common occurrence: you (a man) and some other guy you don’t know well want to greet each other in a manly fashion. So you go for the handshake, but which one? If you can’t sync, you’ll end up sort of mashing your hands together which is incredibly awkward. So, if you don’t want to be hand fucking complete strangers I suggest we agree on a standard male handshake.

Now sure, we could go with the plain yogurt palm grasp, but what self-respecting man wants to be at a superbowl party looking like a banker who just put a second mortgage on someone’s house? There are a number of viable options with more appeal. The two front-runners as I see it are: the sideways high-five curled finger pullaway and the overhand thumb-grip with props and a terrorist fist jab*.

I’m sure there are others, that’s not the point. The point is there needs to be some standard. Of course each subculture is going to want their own unique standard but that can be remedied by having some signal given by the initiator such as calling the other guy “dude” or being black, whatever. A policy of this kind will drastically reduce the number of party fouls.  If this catches on, football players might even stop patting each other on the ass.  We can only hope.

*For clarification on the “terrorist fist jab,” refer to the knowledge depository (not to be confused with suppository) that is Fox News

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